After You Passed

My Youngest

The last of my offspring was sent to me in the middle of class at Kennesaw State University in 2007. Embedded in my womb with such impact, I turned to my classmate and blurted, “I just got pregnant.” In fact, Kristina claims to be Selah’s father. She was present far more than the biological insurance holder was, so it works out logistically.

Selah Hope was named by her siblings from a passage in the Bible that brought us comfort during our darkest times as a family. She is pure fire and ice. All real, no manipulation, just some age-appropriate lies here and there. Empathy for days and a mind as open as the sky, Selah will teach you how to be a better human if you hang around her.

She lost a dear friend to suicide a year ago. It became a defining moment in her psyche, and she honors Olivia multiple times a week by remembering her. The sadness and grief remain a heavy, unwanted blanket. But Selah sits in it, stalwartly. I keep hoping she will be able to set it aside soon, mostly cuz I just want her to be free, but I step back out of respect.

She chooses self-preservation, goal pursuit, and mental stability now. And I thank Olivia for being a catalyst for those choices.

Selah wrote the below:

After You Passed

When i lost you it felt like a wave. Drowning, large, heavy, scattered and scary. 

It hit me like a wave, the emotions i felt came in waves. 

Anger, fear, regret, pain and blame, all waves. 

At first it didn’t process, i couldn’t bare to grasp it was real. It couldn’t have been happening, but it was real. 

I blamed myself, i could’ve done more on my part, i thought to myself. 

I never imagined death could’ve hurt as much as it did in that moment, the words that i had lost you, i couldn’t accept it. 

The funeral, the disrespect, i understood then why you did what you did. It all came to me in my mind after that day. They didn’t respect you, they didn’t believe you.  

After you passed, the only thing i felt was empty, your smile, your laugh, your jokes, you. It was all gone, in such a short period of time. 

The words you said to me “I’ll see you when you leave” felt like a lie, i didn’t understand why you couldn’t say “goodbye”. I wish i got to say goodbye. 

I lost you and blamed myself, i blamed your family, i blamed the staff, i never understood why it happened until the day of the funeral. 

They didn’t believe you when you cried for help, they didn’t believe you when you said who you were, they didn’t respect you, but I did. 

I wished to myself that I could’ve been the light in your life to keep you going, i wasn’t. I believed that i wasn’t. 

I didn’t realize that it wasn’t me, although i thought it was.

~ S.H.H., 11.23